Yellowcard – Only One
Three events that happened in the recent weeks, prompted me to think about three things, about three groups of people, with three separate thoughts, conclusions and questions. And this is the result i guess, of the thoughts about DHSGE, SJ, and travels.
Let’s start with the easiest one first. Guitar.
I know for a fact that people change, groups change, and the dynamics of things change as time goes by. Change is the only certainty, isn’t it? But i guess, i never really accepted change, or expect things to feel so foreign.
Perhaps it’s a combination of things, of the language, of the people who are still around, of the things we talked about, of the things we do, of the people absent. But it felt foreign, really foreign. Foreign from the times we had practicing all day and all night in the guitar room, playing on our own, in the canteen and all sorts of random places. Foreign from the times we really banded together, as a bunch of musical retards, with no music backgrounds to the day we heard Gold with Honours over the phone and went crazy all around the school.
It’s interesting how we’ve come so far, and yet, it seems as if everything back to square one.
Perhaps it’s the events that transpired in the days past, after all the events that happened, causing people to drift further, causing doubts to surface, causing fingers to be pointed. I guess, it’s not so homely after all. If a simple group of people can’t maintain a simple friendship after all these times together, what can?
I’m saddened by the loss. Yet, i know, that no matter how hard i can try, it won’t ever feel the same as before, would it?
People really change, don’t they?
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SJ next.
It’s been a long time since i’ve last step foot into Dunman, something i used to do on such a regular basis that my other friends called me crazy. And likewise, as above, the longer you distant yourself from something, the more foreign it becomes. SJ is starting to feel foreign.
When the people you know no longer ask you to come down to help, when there’s so little effort to connect, when there’s really not much people that you recognise around, when so many people have gone. You can’t help but start to doubt, doubt whether it’s really the right place after all, whether you still truly belong or if you’re just trying to force a connection.
It happens. Time happens. Things happen. But when you go down, and the people don’t bother updating you, don’t bother asking about things, and don’t even seem to recognise your existence there, you really start to wonder.
10 years it has been. A long, and good 10 years. It’s a long time to be doing anything, especially something so time consuming, so draining. But there are the good times that bring you back, the times you feel fulfilled, when you feel appreciated.
I’ve honestly thought of quitting. Time is a luxury that i don’t possess anymore, and life is so busy with all the things ongoing. With so many different interests, so many groups of friends, it’s so hard to keep everything ongoing. It’s not the first time i’ve thought about it, but it’s the first time that it felt so strongly as the right decision to make.
Yet, it feels like such a significant part of life, such a large group of friends, such a letdown, sometimes.
I shall try, once more, to do something different from what i used to. To help out, but not in an official capacity, and see how things go then.
Times really change, don’t they?
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Travels.
This trip really opened my eyes. In a good way, in a bad way, in every way.
It’s true what they say about travelling with friends – money really does affect relationships, and that the small quirks of people you stay in close proximity with may not seem so small after all.
I was reluctant to go on this trip, initially. I had regrets after buying the tickets. The cost was exorbitant, unlike anything else i’ve really spent on. And with that thousand, thousand two, i could easily have settled a few more of my personal wants. But for the sake of the others, and for the sake of travelling to somewhere different, i conceded to make the most out of it.
I guess, this time round, expectations broke me again. I’ve really wanted to do more things that weren’t like the average tourists, not just sightseeing the common things, but the uncommon ones too. Not just spending extravagantly on food and shopping but to visit, to explore and to conquer. I wanted to feast my eyes, much more than i wanted to feast my stomach. Yes, food is important, and i’m glad i got to try all the really good food in HK, but i guess i wanted something more fulfilling to my soul, to my wanderlust.
Even when we went to the natural sites, we woke up late, spent too much time on other things, and didn’t even get to travel to the end of the route. I was disappointed, really. Still, it was perhaps, the most enjoyable time of the holidays, spending time walking, admiring the views.
And another is about the people i guess. The strangers come too close for my comfort. It’s increasingly disturbing when people are pressed against your back, against you budging their way into your space. It seems really prominent in some tourists of a specific nationality. It’s also something that i cannot accept. I cannot accept people coming into my space, and yes, i do know that i have a really large personal space. Even friends, that came too close and became too personal. I dislike the physical touch, the physical contact that most people have with me. Unless you’re deemed to be close enough, physical contact just irks me, and if i start to evidently shy away from you, please don’t come any nearer. That really makes me uncomfortable.
That leads me to another point. My introspection, my introversion have greatly increased. I look inwards, more and more often, seeking comfort in the things i do. I guess it’s a good thing; i get less unhappy over things that other people do. I’ve always been like that, being myself and not caring much about others, but lately it has been growing and growing so much that it’s scary.
I guess, like i’ve been saying to Liwen that it’s the result of broken trust in people that happened too significantly over this year. Some things are really hard to move forward from.
I’ve really changed, haven’t i?
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It’s funny. Because you expect certain things to remain the same even after all these time, yet everything changes. Likewise, when other people expect of you, that you wouldn’t change, it all gets thrown out the window.
Life’s really funny, isn’t it.
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And resolutions of course. Following up on the note that i’ve written in the last month.
Just three simple ones this year.
1. To care more for the people that care about me.
2. To work harder for the things that mean something to me.
3. To make at least one new close friend this year.
PS: I’m not actually depressed. I re-read through this, and realised how sad it sounded. I’m not really sad, just reflecting.
wunderfool people 